"Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change."- James Russell Lowell

I am so angry.

Yep.
I love this baby! lol 

So I finally got back into running and had to start back at Week 4 of my running plan. Well, today I started week 5 and I SUCK. I could only run 3 of the last 5 minute burst due to getting dizzy, anxiety issues, etc. I don't know if anyone else notices this when training on a treadmill, but I can feel everything in my body jiggling and it makes my head buzz near 20-25 minutes and makes me dizzy. I hate hate hate it!

And before you say go to the doctor, I did. I'm getting my blood work done Friday so hopefully all is well. Everything, even my evil foot/leg checked out and there are no major issues except for my anxiety/panic disorder that has come back with a VENGEANCE.

If you've ever experienced any mental/chemical imbalances in the ol' noggin, you know how frustrating it is and how defeated I feel. I can reason to myself why I shouldn't freak out all I want, yet I still feel dizzy, my blood pressure shoots up and I feel like I'm going to pass out. It's awful and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It happens a good bit in public but can happen for no reason even when I'm just relaxing or the new one is when I'm RUNNING. Who has a panic attack when they RUN? Me, that's who. I know it confuses the heck out of me too. Ugh ugh ugh.

Anxiety/panic disorders really do ruin your quality of life. All you norms can roll your eyes all you want and say I'm just a baby that need to get her sh*t together (I know, I've heard it all before), but when my head feels like a jar of angry bees buzzing around I know it's not just me being "weak." I deal with that feeling to various degrees EVERY DAY. It drives me insane and I just want it to stop. I got off the treadmill today and just broke down crying (thankfully our gym is deserted in the afternoon). I've trained for so damn long to have all my progress taken away and a huge mental block inserted is so defeating.

So what's the game plan?

Well I'm thinking about decreasing the run/walk to only 20-25 minutes. I'm trying desperately to get in contact with one of the therapists my doctor gave me. The one can't take me until the middle of May and I'm seeing if anyone else can do any better. Basically, whoever can fit me in before then wins my business as a patient. Fun fun. So that or a mental breakdown whichever comes first.

Now for a little ray of sunshine or two!

On the upside, I'm on Week 2 of Ripped in 30. I'm back in love with Jillian Michaels again. We broke up in February when I finished 30 Day Shred and I decided to dedicate my time to running. After hurting my foot, I found Jillian back in my life again by starting Ripped in 30. I tried the diet plan and that was working for me breakfast and lunch but not dinner. So now I'm following the plan but making my own dinners. There just weren't enough calories in the dinner choices, and I would wake up in the middle of the night (again) hungry and searching for my late night bowl of cheerios after an i-didn't-eat-enough-calories day. I eat an insane amount of calories for a lady and still lose weight. I love it. I see everyone else starving while I'm stuffing my face and still losing weight. Now I'm not taking off more than a pound a week, but it's sustainable and I still get to eat foods I love. And I get to eat out. I'm a lucky lady.

RI30 Week 2 ladies!
We sweat together and experience muscle exhaustion together.
LOVE!

Speaking of food, my hubby and I found a great Korean BBQ place that we're going to check out this weekend. In the same plaza there is a place to get dumplings. Oh man I LOVE dumplings. So for Easter weekend we're going to be eating a lot of Korean food. I'm really Asian on the inside. Believe me if my husband found a job Japan we'd be gone tomorrow much to our parents' chagrin. I think I'm going to sit him down after work and plan where our next overseas excursion should be. I'm thinking Japan. That's going to take a lot of saving, it will be a horribly long plan ride, but I think it will be worth it.

THIS IS THE BIG WEEKEND FOLKS! DOCTOR WHO AND GAME OF THRONES ARE BACK!
I cannot wait. Why is it Wednesday? It should be Saturday like, um, NOW! I'm only VERY excited!

So with the bad and frustrating comes the good and exciting.

I needed this today. 

Ah life.

Taking a Moment to Celebrate

Oh yes. And I've told myself every story in the book!

Today marks 20 pounds gone. Finally.

Ten more days and I have stuck with this for 4 months. Five pounds a month is exactly what I was aiming for so I'm pleased, but also am aware the closer I get to goal the harder it may be to drop the pounds.

We'll see.

I'm just excited to get the 20 pounds gone new jeans I promised myself in November!

"You didn't think that I'd come back, I'd come back swinging..."

Only 30 pounds to go...
(maybe more, we'll see what I look like at 155 again)

“The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all.” ― Walt Disney Company, Mulan

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Ah I love Mulan! I swear that movie started my obsession with Asian culture. And the movie delivers a great message to little girls that you can be whatever you want to be...even if you have to dress up like a guy to get there. Hehehe.

So how's the human injury machine doing today you ask?

Healing. I haven't run since Monday and hope that I can bust out a mile this Monday to get back into it. My arch, top and bottom of foot as well as my ankle is still rather sore, but I'm not letting it stop me completely. I did some of the recumbent bike and upper body weights on Wednesday, and yesterday I, somewhat reluctantly, started Ripped in 30.  I managed to find a stretchy ankle brace so I don't make the pain worse and so far things are okay. I really love Ripped in 30. I did the 30 Day Shred, which really kick started my weight loss and since it ended the weight loss has been slower. Thankfully the first week of Ripped in 30 is much lower impact than the first week of 30 Day Shred, so I don't have to modify much. The only thing I'm not comfortable with is the butt kicks and so I do an extra rep of punches during that exercise. I FINALLY found a doctor and have an appointment for my annual physical so I'm excited to get some answers with this evil leg of mine. 

Even with all these little pains, I'm feeling strong. Really strong. I can do so much more than I used to 3.5 months ago. I fit in ALL of my clothes again! The clothes I can't wear are too baggy. My goal pants were tight on me even when I was 20-30 pounds lighter so it'll be a really great feeling to finally zip them up and wear them with pride. Another thing I'm noticing is the absence of my multiple times a week heartburn. I only get it now when I eat 2 acidic foods in a day ( my last bad heartburn was 3/2/13 due to ziti for lunch and BBQ pulled pork for dinner). I'm challenging myself to take it a step further and I'm starting Jillian Michael's Ripped in 30 meal plan. Normally I don't like to follow meal plans because they require weird ingredients and are just not realistic. The meal plan uses foods I already eat and just combines them in different ways I haven't thought of. And if I start getting bored (it's only 30 days so I don't see how that's possible, but it happens!) I have a  Jillian Michaels recipe book Joe bought me for Christmas so we're covered! I'm curious to see if it will make a difference or not. I still plan to eat out once a week. Got to have a day to let your hair down food wise! 

My awesome husband won us tickets to an orchestra tomorrow night so I will be enjoying an evening of lovely music! My music teachers through the years always said to me that I'd always come back to music in my life and I didn't believe them. Well, they were right. I'm excited to start community chorus in April and get back into music again. 

Time to start the weekend! TGIF!

Days until new Doctor Who: 15

Days until new Game of Thrones: 16

Doctor Who and the Tardis by Craig Hurle

“I DON'T CARE!" Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH, I'VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!" "You do care," said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. "You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

"You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.” 

So I have yet another injury. It is probably minor and gone within a few days, but it is so frustrating! I ran around the neighborhood yesterday morning. I had a great time, so much so I wasn't sure if I went around the .6 mile loop  3 or 4 times. The last time around I felt some pain in my arch and didn't think much of it. I went out grocery shopping and running errands, did some cleaning, and started some laundry (my life is so amazingly interesting, right?). Then as I was making dinner it felt like the arch of my foot wanted to crack and was sore. After dinner, my entire foot (top, bottom, ankle, part of my calf) had a throbbing, radiating pain shooting through it. I iced it and still the pain persisted. It was only after an Aleve that the pain was a little less intense and I slept with my foot propped up. 

I'm too young for this. 

I cannot describe in words how defeated I felt last night. It's always something. Yes, I'm on the hunt for a doctor so I can get answers to why this one leg is the bain of my exercise existence. Even when I was 30 pounds lighter I still had foot pain, but of course the extra weight makes everything worse. Ah if only I could lose 30 pounds in one night...

Um, maybe not...

I love quotes. I love books. When I ran across this Harry Potter quote it was perfect. I just want to give up right now. I want to just say, "SCREW IT ALL!! IT ISN'T WORTH IT! I DON'T CARE!" But the truth is I care so much. If I didn't care about getting healthy and becoming a distance runner I wouldn't get so emotional and angry. I would shrug my shoulders and say, well at least I tried! And that race is nipping at my painful heels. 

Nothing in life worth having comes easy, right?

So today I'm hobbling about the house doing little things here and there. I'm giving it one really good day of rest and then maybe I'll try doing a light walk on it tomorrow. I'm hoping there is that stretchy bandage stuff around here somewhere to wrap my arch and ankle for some extra support. 

I'm thinking I'll sign up for that community chorus today. I've been back and forth with participating or not. My husband knocked some sense and tough love into me a few nights ag0 (figuratively not literally!).
After getting married so fast, failing at 4 different jobs in the span of 2 years, and having lots of anxiety issues, I've become a recluse. I very rarely go out with other people and usually my husband is there too. I have very little self confidence left (not like I had much before) and generally avoid people. 

Well, I've taken some steps to fix all that and so far so good. Joining this chorus would get me out of my shell and I LOVE singing. I took voice lessons last year for about 3 months and improved rather quickly. I have a lot more confidence singing, but I'm still scared as heck to do it in front of others. I'm at a point where I miss singing so much that I don't care if other people hear me or not. Thankfully a chorus is about blending and harmonizing and I enjoyed it in high school so why not give it a try?

My favorite song to sing is...

Name that song and musical! 

I love it. I love singing Maureen's part but can also relate to Joanne's part as well. Maureen's attitude is a side of myself I buried when I said I do. I was a risk taker and I'd like to think flirty when I wanted to be. I've never been a party girl in any sense of the word and will never be, but I do like the limelight here and there. I never had this song as an assignment for voice lessons, but I have been working on it constantly. 

Singing is a good stress reliever. Almost as good as exercise...almost.  

New Doctor Who in 19 DAYS! 
New Game of Thrones in 20 DAYS!

My favorite Game of Thrones character? It's a tie between Arya Stark and Daenerys Targaryen. 
My husband and I both LOVE Arya and agree that if we have a child and it is a girl she will be named Arya.  I love Daenerys because life really screwed her over and she took control of it and is growing to be a very strong woman. The same could be said about Arya as well. And everyone in the book.  It is addicting and I'm working on the books now. Love it!

Winter is coming...

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I cried like a baby during this scene. One of those "Omg I didn't realize this show affected me like this" moments.

Mileage from 3/11: 1.8 running, .6 walking

"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." -William Faulkner

Today was the second time I ran outside. This time around it was 49 degrees instead of 32 and it was sunny, a light breeze and blue skies.

It is a beautiful Saturday in the neighborhood.

"It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...oh would you be mine..."
I miss this kind of television. 

I think I can safely say I'm done running on the treadmill. I need to learn how to lengthen my stride since I have this tiny little sad shuffle run. Our complex was built on a hill with varying degrees of incline and there are some flat areas, but I have a good feeling I'm going to build serious leg muscles.

I just need to learn how to move my legs.

Sigh. I know, I know...

Running seems like something that should be natural and it's not unless you've spent your entire life doing it. First was overcoming the breathing issues and now I need to overcome the shuffle run. It's frustrating to be able to run 2.5 miles on the treadmill and then transition to outside and run 1.5-2 miles and be exhausted. I just keep telling myself that this is a different animal. There is no belt pushing me forward. I have to rely on myself to keep going. Training is going to get tough over the next month, but I need it to be in order to change and improve.

Positive attitude...positive attitude...

Yoga is my love. I only do quick 10 minute video before and after I run or do weight training, but it just makes my muscles feel so much better. I think I'm one of those people who NEED to stretch or else. I'm going to look for longer routines to do.

Tonight I'm going to try out the one frozen yogurt place in town, Yogi Castle. I'm hoping they have as many yummy flavors as they do on the website. I could go for the green tea flavor with some mochi topping. Nomz!

Looking forward to this...

So here's to the end of "Murphy's Law" week and hopefully next week will be much better!

Mileage: 1.8 running, .6 walking (2.4 total)

"What doesn't kill you makes a fighter..."- Kelly Clarkson, What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)

UGH.

Yeah, I'm a little perturbed today.

So my calf strain healed and I got back to running today. The run went well. Only did 1.5 miles of running to make sure not to aggravate the strain if it wasn't totally healed. Well, after running some errands, and cleaning  much of the apartment (which I did in supportive shoes) I notice my left ankle is sore and stiff. And of course it is the achilles tendon that is sore and stiff. I'm praying that I didn't really hurt it and it is just being sore and a pain (literally).

It's always something isn't it?

That's about right...

I hate being overweight (as I have finally reached a BMI under obese, I can safely say I'm overweight. yay!). Being overweight makes everything harder. Most normal, healthy, semi-in-shape people can start training to run and if they have the right shoe they usually don't come across any injuries until they are going much farther than 2.5-3 miles. Or at least it feels that way! I want to run. I have to run. There are so many people saying I can't and I can not let them win. I will not sit by while they smile smugly knowing they were right all along.

Because they're not.

Who wouldn't want to be a unicorn?

Sure I might not keep my commitments, change my mind easily, and make crazy impromptu decisions, but this is one decision, one dream, I REFUSE to give up on. I have a huge race in November I WILL RUN. I need to learn how to run hills without pulling my muscles because this race is hill crazy! I'm just thankful that I have a great running store very close by with staff that have done marathons to get advice from. I'll wrap my legs up in whatever I need to as long as I can continue training and getting better without injury. I'm sure I'm not the only fat runner they've ever had.

Slow and strong, baby!

I'm trying, I'm concerned and I want to be better. That has to count for something, right?

My apologies as that was a bit of a rant [understatement of the year], but I really need to reassess and remember why I'm doing this. I'm doing it to stick to something for once in my life. And it will happen, it will just take a lot of time and work.

Time, time time.

The food front hasn't been good either this week. I had 2 failed recipes one right after the other this week. I'm hoping tonight's dinner goes well. It's basically a mexican inspired frittata, and I can cook eggs well so fingers crossed! I found a lot of good recipes online and next week is looking much more promising than this week.

This week has just been a knock down, drag out, Murphy's law kind of week. Definitely looking forward to my Friday beer tomorrow. Well, the "beer" will actually be cider. I have a new Woodchuck Cider to try, nom nom!

If only... :)

One day I'll look back at this time and (hopefully) be able to say this was my fork in the road, my turning point and I decided to keep going. I know there are a lot more forks in the road and injuries and setbacks, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

New Doctor Who: 23 days

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Mileage: running- 1.6, walking .6

"Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful."- Joshua J Marine

So this weekend we went to visit my husband's family. It was also the start of my outside training. And of course it was snowing.

Did I wuss out? Did the snow and laziness of a Saturday after 3.5 hours in the car get the better of me? 

HECK NO!

I got suited up with a few layers, borrowed some gloves and earmuffs, strapped on my new HRM and got out there! And the hills...oh the hills! I managed to suck it up and traverse the hills slowly while making sure I didn't fall on snow or ice. After going up and down hills the part of the road that was flat felt AMAZING. I ran about 2 miles but boy was I SLOW! I logged 15 minute miles. Ugh. But for my first time on hills, outside, in the snow, I'd say that was rather good. 

Courtesy of blog.saucony.com

Now the first 10 minutes of the run I wanted to turn around and go back. It was cold, my eyes were stinging and watering from the cold wind and my lungs didn't want to cooperate. After the 10 minute mark, I started getting a good pace and my body was warming up. The worst part was running into the wind, but I didn't hate it as much as I thought I would. The last 5 minutes I couldn't feel anything below my belly button. I'm planning on getting real running tights this fall since my pants were victoria's secret skinny yoga pants that kept falling down. Oh I must have been a sight with my belly sticking out, ha ha! 

At least I did it.

Sadly, I pulled my calf muscle. I didn't feel it until the day after. I thought I was just sore, but when the pain persisted today and I couldn't bear weight on it without it buckling on me I knew I strained it. I was beyond angry this morning because today is beautiful and sunny, mild temperatures, and a perfect day to run outside. Grumble grumble. 

So today instead of running, I decided to do some weight training and focused on the upper body so as not to aggravate my leg any further. I could be angry with myself for not preventing this little injury, but instead I'm using this rest time to get back into weights and strength training. I hate strength training because it is so much harder than cardio, but the hard truth is that I need it. I need strong muscles to help prevent injuries. I need less body fat. Also, I would like to have some semblance of upper body strength. 

All in good time I suppose. 

On the food front I have nothing to share as of yet, but I do have a lot of new recipes to try out this week! Tonight's dinner are cheeseburgers with  baked sweet potato fries. I've been craving a burger but can't do fast food burgers anymore due to stomach issues and I didn't want to spend $14 on a burger in a restaurant. I'm super hungry today so I'm looking forward to getting it started shortly! 

Can anyone recommend a good scale? My scale has seen better days and is no longer giving me anywhere near accurate readouts. 

Now to rest for 10 minutes and on to dinner prep!

Countdown to new Doctor Who: 26 days

Courtesy of Doctor Who and the Tardis by Craig Hurle