"Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change."- James Russell Lowell

I am so angry.

Yep.
I love this baby! lol 

So I finally got back into running and had to start back at Week 4 of my running plan. Well, today I started week 5 and I SUCK. I could only run 3 of the last 5 minute burst due to getting dizzy, anxiety issues, etc. I don't know if anyone else notices this when training on a treadmill, but I can feel everything in my body jiggling and it makes my head buzz near 20-25 minutes and makes me dizzy. I hate hate hate it!

And before you say go to the doctor, I did. I'm getting my blood work done Friday so hopefully all is well. Everything, even my evil foot/leg checked out and there are no major issues except for my anxiety/panic disorder that has come back with a VENGEANCE.

If you've ever experienced any mental/chemical imbalances in the ol' noggin, you know how frustrating it is and how defeated I feel. I can reason to myself why I shouldn't freak out all I want, yet I still feel dizzy, my blood pressure shoots up and I feel like I'm going to pass out. It's awful and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It happens a good bit in public but can happen for no reason even when I'm just relaxing or the new one is when I'm RUNNING. Who has a panic attack when they RUN? Me, that's who. I know it confuses the heck out of me too. Ugh ugh ugh.

Anxiety/panic disorders really do ruin your quality of life. All you norms can roll your eyes all you want and say I'm just a baby that need to get her sh*t together (I know, I've heard it all before), but when my head feels like a jar of angry bees buzzing around I know it's not just me being "weak." I deal with that feeling to various degrees EVERY DAY. It drives me insane and I just want it to stop. I got off the treadmill today and just broke down crying (thankfully our gym is deserted in the afternoon). I've trained for so damn long to have all my progress taken away and a huge mental block inserted is so defeating.

So what's the game plan?

Well I'm thinking about decreasing the run/walk to only 20-25 minutes. I'm trying desperately to get in contact with one of the therapists my doctor gave me. The one can't take me until the middle of May and I'm seeing if anyone else can do any better. Basically, whoever can fit me in before then wins my business as a patient. Fun fun. So that or a mental breakdown whichever comes first.

Now for a little ray of sunshine or two!

On the upside, I'm on Week 2 of Ripped in 30. I'm back in love with Jillian Michaels again. We broke up in February when I finished 30 Day Shred and I decided to dedicate my time to running. After hurting my foot, I found Jillian back in my life again by starting Ripped in 30. I tried the diet plan and that was working for me breakfast and lunch but not dinner. So now I'm following the plan but making my own dinners. There just weren't enough calories in the dinner choices, and I would wake up in the middle of the night (again) hungry and searching for my late night bowl of cheerios after an i-didn't-eat-enough-calories day. I eat an insane amount of calories for a lady and still lose weight. I love it. I see everyone else starving while I'm stuffing my face and still losing weight. Now I'm not taking off more than a pound a week, but it's sustainable and I still get to eat foods I love. And I get to eat out. I'm a lucky lady.

RI30 Week 2 ladies!
We sweat together and experience muscle exhaustion together.
LOVE!

Speaking of food, my hubby and I found a great Korean BBQ place that we're going to check out this weekend. In the same plaza there is a place to get dumplings. Oh man I LOVE dumplings. So for Easter weekend we're going to be eating a lot of Korean food. I'm really Asian on the inside. Believe me if my husband found a job Japan we'd be gone tomorrow much to our parents' chagrin. I think I'm going to sit him down after work and plan where our next overseas excursion should be. I'm thinking Japan. That's going to take a lot of saving, it will be a horribly long plan ride, but I think it will be worth it.

THIS IS THE BIG WEEKEND FOLKS! DOCTOR WHO AND GAME OF THRONES ARE BACK!
I cannot wait. Why is it Wednesday? It should be Saturday like, um, NOW! I'm only VERY excited!

So with the bad and frustrating comes the good and exciting.

I needed this today. 

Ah life.